Mr. Kearney

The Infamous Mr. Kearney

kudos to the brilliance of Paco Fuchs, who inspired this one fine afternoon in December.

- Mr. Kearney once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Mr. Kearney instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

- When Mr. Kearney plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Mr. Kearney sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mr. Kearney roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- Mr. Kearney laughed so hard once that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

- Mr. Kearney recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- A man once asked Mr. Kearney if his real name is "James". Mr. Kearney
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually " Mr. Kearney --more than meets the eye, Mr. Kearney --robot in disguise," and starred Mr. Kearney as a MUHS teacher who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

- Mr. Kearney does not sleep. He waits.

- Mr. Kearney once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

- The chief export of Mr. Kearney is pain.

- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mr. Kearney. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

- Mr. Kearney is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- If you can see Mr. Kearney, he can see you. If you can't see Mr. Kearney you may be only seconds away from death.

- Mr. Kearney frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

- Helen Keller's favorite color is Mr. Kearney.

- Mr. Kearney doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.