Talk With God

So I was sitting there
On a green park bench,
When suddenly
A voice called out from above.
It said,
“This is God.
Your time has come.
I grant you three last requests
Before you pass on.”

I asked the voice,
“Why only three?”
The voice replied,
“Because that’s the way it has to be”.
“That don’t cut it for me.”
“Boy, you don’t have a choice.”
And I said,
“Alright, let’s roll before I am dead.”

My oh my!
How I remember that day.
The birds chirped in the light blue sky.
Three chances to fix my life
And destroy the strife
That plagues the world.

The voice said,
“Well, what do you think?”
“I want my love to be happy for eternity.
I want my little brother to live in infamy.”
“And the last?”
“The last, reveal yourself to me.”
The voice said,
“Wake up you bum,
Other people want to sit here too.”

I opened my eyes.
The sunlight had warmed my skin.
All around I saw beauty,
In the world
And the things I had done.

I sat up and a man sat down next to me.
He said,
“How are you?
My name is Frank.”
I replied,
“My name is James.”
He said,
“I know”
“How did you know my name?”
“It’s on your shirt.”
I looked down and there it was.
A blue pin name tag,
Affixed to my pocket.

We chatted a while
And I looked at my watch.
Half past twelve,
Time to get going.
I said my goodbyes and he said,
“See you soon.”
I walked into the street.
Lo and behold,
A fish truck ran a red light.
My body flew into the intersection
And my soul was projected into the sky.

So I was sitting there
At the feet of god.
And I asked,
“What hell?
I asked you to show yourself.”
And the Lord responded,
“I did,
I was the man you talked to
On the bench …
Ass.”

Mr. Kearney

The Infamous Mr. Kearney

kudos to the brilliance of Paco Fuchs, who inspired this one fine afternoon in December.

- Mr. Kearney once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Mr. Kearney instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

- When Mr. Kearney plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Mr. Kearney sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mr. Kearney roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- Mr. Kearney laughed so hard once that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

- Mr. Kearney recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- A man once asked Mr. Kearney if his real name is "James". Mr. Kearney
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually " Mr. Kearney --more than meets the eye, Mr. Kearney --robot in disguise," and starred Mr. Kearney as a MUHS teacher who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

- Mr. Kearney does not sleep. He waits.

- Mr. Kearney once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

- The chief export of Mr. Kearney is pain.

- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mr. Kearney. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

- Mr. Kearney is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- If you can see Mr. Kearney, he can see you. If you can't see Mr. Kearney you may be only seconds away from death.

- Mr. Kearney frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

- Helen Keller's favorite color is Mr. Kearney.

- Mr. Kearney doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Mascara Black Tears

Your tears remind me everyday
Of the sorrow I’ve caused you.
Never before
Did I see how much you cared
About me.

So much time
To think of how I’ve hurt you.
I wish I could take it back,
Change what I did.
But that’s not the way
That the sand falls.

An hourglass shows the truth.
That small yellow grain
Is me.
One of millions
Lost in the depths of time.

Come save me
From my wars within.
My chain mail
Is much too thin to endure.
My hands are too bloodied
To wield my sword.
Will you ever come?
Or will I fight them alone?

Your tear drops upon my hand
As I caress your face
And push back your hair.
Your soft touch
Brought me so much joy.

How I wish I could
Dance with you in the rain again.
Your clothes drenched,
Clinging closely
To your beautiful body.
But now,
The cold brings nothing but snow.

The mascara tears fall from your face
And turn as black as a country darkness.
A black sky so serene,
Made to hold our
Thoughts, hopes, and dreams.
At least I have the stars
To give me hope.

I’m flying so high in the sky,
I hope you’ll catch me when I fall.
If my wings burn as I approach the sun,
Save me and hold me in your arms.
Please prevent me from Icarus’s fate.

This is the way life should be.
A place without war,
Without hate,
Nothing but love.

And you shine through it all,
You pierce the darkness
As never before.
An unquenchable fire in my soul.
Will you catch me when I fall?

But I know you’re gone.
Too far gone.
It’s much too late,
To salvage the love I lost.
No one to catch me.
Now I’m falling to the ground
With your tears close to my heart.

I close my eyes
And remember

How you loved me so.

Falling Tears

Almost forgot about this one. I was looking through some of my old documents and found it. I will hopefully expand or incorporate this one too.

Standing in a thunderstorm,
Drops of rain falling on,
My cool tired face.
Loneliness takes another form,
What I’d give,
To be, with you again.

And then I cry,
Let my heart open,
To the sky.
Tears descending,
To the earth.
Never thought,
I’d be here now.

Hand Me Down

A new little tidbit that I hope to expand.

Nothing but a hand me down.
Look at my tattered clothes
Worn with age.
Holes show my bloody knees.
No patch can heal me.

Nothing but a hand me down.
Look at my eyes.
Wisdom beyond my years.
An innocence lost
Much too soon.

Peace.

She Asked Me Why: A Colin Laffey Reprise

I wrote She Asks Me Why several months ago. The infamous lyricist and poet Colin Laffey read the poem and was inspired. This is what he came up with below. He's still working on an official title. Hope you enjoy it.

She asked me why
I spoke my mind
without hesitation.
Questions fill
my mind as well.
I said something cliché
about hearts on sleeves,
but it goes much deeper
Than that.

She asked me why
I felt the need
to cry sometimes.
I wanted to tell
the truth; that sometimes
I'd rather die an unnecessary,
teenage-angst death rather than
wait for a Midwest Summer
in December.
But her Impossible Love
spins circles around
my tongue. And I say,
"It will pass."

She asked me why
I hate him. I said something
about absurdity
and happiness.
But it goes much deeper
than that.

She asked me why
I am not the kind of guy
I used to be.
I wanted to speak
of her obsessions
and addictions
to love and other drugs.
I wanted to speak
of cold Julys and
a catcher in the rye.
I wanted to speak
of dead heartthrobs
and dying hearts.
But her Untouchable Face
is blurred in my head,
and it's been too many months
since it smiled at me.

She asked me why
I fell asleep behind
The Wheel.
Had I heard her,
I would have said
something about
late nights and mental fist fights,
procrastination and towel throwing,
circles and cycles,
blurred eye sight and shaking hands,
but now I know
that prayers are not promised;
that some are caught
by gulls and clouds and kites
and glide, rain, or crash
to the ground.

Oh, but what I'd give
to see you one more time.

She asked me why
I loved her so.
There was something about
the way she used
to take my hand when
things went wrong;
the way lighthouses
shined down around her;
the way birds sang
a new song;
and the way my heart
beat faster.
But I said something like
"I just don't know."

Everything

And the thick gray clouds roll in overhead, casting a shadow over everything.

The thunder claps and the ground shakes.

The earth cracks and in falls everything.

The rain falls, the rain cleanses, and the rain fills the crack with everything.

The ground hardens, seeds take root, and they grow into everything.

The clouds clear, sailing away as quickly as they came, and a new light reveals everything.

From nothing into everything; yet altered, changed, reformed.

And in the distance, a new storm awaits; ready, once again, to change everything.

Elastic Skin

You may know,
With a little bit of blow,
That JP can stretch his skin.
Oh it’s ugly as sin,
Or so the people say.
There will be a day,
When it sags to his knees,
Like some horrible disease.

So stretch it if you can.
An elastic neck,
To bring joy to the world.
So stretch it if you can.

Its worse than tumor,
With a little bit of humor,
You can laugh it off,
Even when you cough.
At least he’s unique,
Unlike you who seek,
The meaning of life,
On the blade of a knife.

So stretch it if you can.
An elastic neck,
To bring joy to the world.
So stretch it if you can.

Big Dreams From A Little Town

This small town,
Has cheated me,
Oh, how I wish to be free.

Once,
Long ago,
I dropped the dime,
And fell into the depths of time.

Never look back,
At the things you left there.
Gotta keep a runnin',
Or you're goin' nowhere.

People like tiny flies,
Flyin' 'round your head,
Listenin' to your little secrets,
Only to tell the world.

I saw you once,
And fell in love.
Love at first sight,
Is what they said.
My only chance,
To get out of here.

But you escaped,
Slipped away.
Just like the dreams,
Lost and faded away.

So Close

Standing side by side,
Seeing shadows of the past.
What I’d give to see,
Your smiling face again.
Please stay with me tonight.

Watching you dance,
Through the window.
So close I can hear you,
So close I can smell you,
But too far to touch you,
Too shy to tell you I love you.

I need a commitment.
I need you to love me too.

She Asked Me Why

She asked me why,
I am not the kind of guy,
I used to be.
And I replied,
Because I died.

My decomposing corpse,
As my soul warps,
Through eternal time.

What I’d give,
To see you just one more time.

Your face,
In the dark of the night,
Smiling bright,
Brighter than all the stars in the sky.

My heart crushed,
Gave way to death,
Slow and painful,
The reaper found his soul.

Emotional Trivium

Why can’t girls,
Have only three emotions,
Anger, Pleasure, and
Complacency.

I lost her once.
Couldn’t tell what
She wanted from me.

But no,
They change the rules,
And get depressed.
Says she’s ugly,
And hates herself.

Lordie why not three,
Why must it be,
so many more?

My oh my,
Girls are hard to understand.

Just kiss me,
And let me know,
How you feel.

So I know,
How to respond,
In my elegant style.

Why can’t girls,
Have only three emotions,
Anger, Pleasure, and
Complacency.

I lost her once.
Couldn’t tell what
She wanted from me.

Girls, they make my life so hard.

Suicide Row

This is a first of a series of a new approach I am trying. I come up with a quick phrase as I am doing anything, I write it down, and then create a poem or a set of lyrics for it. So, this should be random as hell, but no worries. Hopefully, you will find them enjoyable.

Look at me,
On Suicide Row,
All hell’s breakin’ loose,
On cellblock E.

They got pissed,
The warden hissed,
The riot ensued,
Oh and the guard got screwed.

Oh get me off of cellblock E,
I might be stuck here for eternity,
Right on Suicide Row,
This shouldn’t be how it goes.

Shots are fired,
The inmates tired,
Give in,
To the guards of Suicide Row.

They get tried again,
Murder in the first degree,
Hang themselves from the pipes above,
No wonder it’s called Suicide Row.

Oh get me off of cellblock E,
I might be stuck here for eternity,
Right on Suicide Row,
This shouldn’t be how it goes.

Ripple In the Water

You look at your reflection,
In the pond,
See nothing of beauty,
You turn away.

You splash the water,
I see the ripple,
Find the source,
And I see your beauty,
In all that you do.

I tell you this,
Over and over,
Why don’t you believe me,
I wouldn’t lie to you.

I tell you it’s true,
And,
Truth isn’t wrong.
Just trust in me,
You won’t get hurt.

Take my hand,
And,
Follow me,
Back to the pond,
To prove your beauty,
Go look and see.

Sorry For the Delay Gentlemen

Well, it has been a few months since I have posted last. I would just like to say that I am sorry for those who have been expecting stuff. I have several things in the works I haven't typed yet, and I also have an idea for setting up a blog for follies, so don't think my posting days are over (it's just that lately my life has been booked even during the time usually designated for sleep).

Peace.

Teenage Rampage

It’s one big long teenage rampage,
We thought the violence was behind us,
Calm,
Cool,
Collected,
The shots are fired,
The students fall.

The fog over Columbine has been lifted,
It now hangs low over Minnesota,
Who did wrong to this child,
Or was he simply crazy.

Laughing and grinning as he waves that gun around,
Methodically aims and pulls the trigger,
The bullet hits you and now you’re dead,
Another day to live in infamy.

When will we see,
That hate’s not the answer,
When will we see,
That love saves all.

Once the mist clears,
And the dust settles on the ground,
We see the teenage wasteland,
Now look to the future,
I see hope ahead,
Use this to save the others.

It’s one big long teenage rampage,
We thought the violence was behind us,
Calm,
Cool,
Collected,
The shots are fired,
The students fall.

The fog over Columbine has been lifted,
It now hangs low over Minnesota,
Who did wrong to this child,
Or was he simply crazy.

Dedicated to the victims of the Minnesota shooting.

Peace all.

Jesus

Watching the End of the World From My Front Porch

When the world comes crashing down,
And Chicken Little cries,
Oh! "The sky is falling!"
The sunset is stained blood red,
And the aliens fly right by.
Will you watch the end of the world with me?

You laugh, I laugh, everyone laughs,
It’ll come sooner than you think.
The sun goes down,
And I doubt that it’ll come back up.

We all woke up in the year 2000.
No Y2K
No flaming inferno,
Maybe tomorrow?

You laugh, I laugh, everyone laughs,
It’ll come sooner than you think.
The sun goes down,
And I doubt that it’ll come back up.

Don’t cry little girl.
It’ll be over soon.
Perhaps,
But may as well go out in one big party.
Celebrating,
You know what,
Oh yes,
The end of the world.

You laugh, I laugh, everyone laughs,
It’ll come sooner than you think.
The sun goes down,
And I doubt that it’ll come back up.

Anarchy!
Theocracy!
Aristocracy!
Dictatorship?

You laugh, I laugh, everyone laughs,
It’ll come sooner than you think.
The sun goes down,
And I doubt that it’ll come back up.

Comedy Corner

I will post anything funny that I write here, imagine as though you are an audience sitting in your seats in a comedy club listening to a standup comic because then you get a better feeling for the comedy.

So, let’s just say that by chance, you happen to be walking on the sidewalk on any particular street, and you see a man walking along the opposite side of the street. Now, imagine if you will, that you disregard this man and look forward, but you glance over again because this man seemed to be quite peculiar. And you notice that he is not walking at all, but instead, waddling (quite quickly I might add) down the sidewalk. Obviously, your first thought would be "What the hell is that guy’s problem?" You continue to stare and you realize his arms aren’t moving, in fact, they are grasping the loops of his pants so tightly, that you can literally see the whites of his knuckles. You then proceed to look at the man’s face and you see that he is nervous as all get out and sweat is just pouring down his face as he gives quick glances to see if anyone is watching him. And then you think again, why is he so damned nervous and then you see the back of his jeans. They seem to be sagging to an abnormal level and have stains, that from a distance, seem as though they are enlarging. And you suddenly realize that you have stopped moving and are standing on the sidewalk, motionless, mouth wide open, simply staring. The man looks back, catches you staring and proclaims at the top of his voice "What the fuck are you lookin’ at … just because a man drops a load in his pants doesn’t mean that anyone can just stare at him! Ya’ fuckin’ bastards!" And now imagine you are still standing there, watching the man continue to walk down the street, with you mouth still wide open. And then you think, will I ever be the same after this? How can I possibly lead my life without laughing my ass off every time I think of this event? And then you think, I bet he has a hard time getting any and you realize you are way better off than that guy. You are then relieved with the thought that in the giant scheme of things, the chance of inferior individuals reproducing is very small and you thank god for Darwin’s theory of natural selection because, boy, would we be in a mess if that whole thing didn't work out.

Streaming Tears

As I went running through the door,
I saw you crying there.
It broke my heart,
Hearing you sob.

You looked up at me,
Tears in your deep blue eyes.
You slapped my face,
And all I could do was stare right back at you.

When does sadness become depression?
When does happiness become absolute joy?
Only the good Lord knows,
And even his knowledge is limited.

Bring Me Back

As you slip away,
I feel the deathly cold,
Creeping up my legs,
And it sunk right into my head.

Blood shot eyes,
Look what you’ve done to me,
It’s been too long,
Gotta find one more hit.

It’s your fault,
You ran away,
Drove me here,
Now see who I am,
What you’ve made of me,
Bring me back,
Before the next hit.

Save me lord,
Now it’s too late …

*This posting is in no way endorsing drug use for people who are depressed, but I am endorsing drug use for all other occasions.

Another Fork In the Road

The winding road divides,
One north,
One south,
Which to take?

North is happiness with a hint of depression,
South is sadness with a chance of joy.
Is the weatherman wrong again?
Torn inside,
It’s not just another fork in the road.
Which is better?
Which to take?

I chose north,
In hopes of it being better,
I was wrong.
It was hell on Earth.

Turned around,
I was southward bound,
The depression hit me,
And then joy overwhelmed me.
Both emotions at once,
The confusion tore me apart.

I guess it was better,
Tomorrow is another day,
Another forecast,
Another fork in the road.

North is happiness with a hint of depression,
South is sadness with a chance of joy.
Is the weatherman wrong again?
Torn inside,
It’s not just another fork in the road.
Which is better?
Which to take?

Dark and Dreary

Dark and dreary,
Or so it seems,
Bright and happy,
Never will be.
Pact with the devil,
My soul,
Only his to keep.
Save me from myself,
A steady decline,
Into oblivion,
Hope flickers,
And dies out.

The Monthly Funnies: Numero Tres

"Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are."

and two more for personal enjoyment ...

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

--- My Favorite ... Robin Williams

Dying On Neutral Ground

Dying on neutral ground,
Bullets fly around me,
The dirt sprays in all directions,
I run as they cut us down.
One bullet pierced my heart,
Pierced my soul,
The next through my back,
And many more,
I fell in no man’s land,
Prayed to God,
Whoever the hell that might be.
Asked for forgiveness,
Rolled onto my side
Everything in slow motion,
I looked at the sky,
Blue and pure,
I could feel my body,
Losing strength,
Bleeding out,
I floated up,
Escape,
I was free.