Talk With God

So I was sitting there
On a green park bench,
When suddenly
A voice called out from above.
It said,
“This is God.
Your time has come.
I grant you three last requests
Before you pass on.”

I asked the voice,
“Why only three?”
The voice replied,
“Because that’s the way it has to be”.
“That don’t cut it for me.”
“Boy, you don’t have a choice.”
And I said,
“Alright, let’s roll before I am dead.”

My oh my!
How I remember that day.
The birds chirped in the light blue sky.
Three chances to fix my life
And destroy the strife
That plagues the world.

The voice said,
“Well, what do you think?”
“I want my love to be happy for eternity.
I want my little brother to live in infamy.”
“And the last?”
“The last, reveal yourself to me.”
The voice said,
“Wake up you bum,
Other people want to sit here too.”

I opened my eyes.
The sunlight had warmed my skin.
All around I saw beauty,
In the world
And the things I had done.

I sat up and a man sat down next to me.
He said,
“How are you?
My name is Frank.”
I replied,
“My name is James.”
He said,
“I know”
“How did you know my name?”
“It’s on your shirt.”
I looked down and there it was.
A blue pin name tag,
Affixed to my pocket.

We chatted a while
And I looked at my watch.
Half past twelve,
Time to get going.
I said my goodbyes and he said,
“See you soon.”
I walked into the street.
Lo and behold,
A fish truck ran a red light.
My body flew into the intersection
And my soul was projected into the sky.

So I was sitting there
At the feet of god.
And I asked,
“What hell?
I asked you to show yourself.”
And the Lord responded,
“I did,
I was the man you talked to
On the bench …
Ass.”

Mr. Kearney

The Infamous Mr. Kearney

kudos to the brilliance of Paco Fuchs, who inspired this one fine afternoon in December.

- Mr. Kearney once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Mr. Kearney instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

- When Mr. Kearney plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

- Mr. Kearney sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mr. Kearney roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- Mr. Kearney laughed so hard once that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

- Mr. Kearney recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- A man once asked Mr. Kearney if his real name is "James". Mr. Kearney
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually " Mr. Kearney --more than meets the eye, Mr. Kearney --robot in disguise," and starred Mr. Kearney as a MUHS teacher who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

- Mr. Kearney does not sleep. He waits.

- Mr. Kearney once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

- The chief export of Mr. Kearney is pain.

- After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Mr. Kearney. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

- Mr. Kearney is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

- If you can see Mr. Kearney, he can see you. If you can't see Mr. Kearney you may be only seconds away from death.

- Mr. Kearney frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

- Helen Keller's favorite color is Mr. Kearney.

- Mr. Kearney doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Mascara Black Tears

Your tears remind me everyday
Of the sorrow I’ve caused you.
Never before
Did I see how much you cared
About me.

So much time
To think of how I’ve hurt you.
I wish I could take it back,
Change what I did.
But that’s not the way
That the sand falls.

An hourglass shows the truth.
That small yellow grain
Is me.
One of millions
Lost in the depths of time.

Come save me
From my wars within.
My chain mail
Is much too thin to endure.
My hands are too bloodied
To wield my sword.
Will you ever come?
Or will I fight them alone?

Your tear drops upon my hand
As I caress your face
And push back your hair.
Your soft touch
Brought me so much joy.

How I wish I could
Dance with you in the rain again.
Your clothes drenched,
Clinging closely
To your beautiful body.
But now,
The cold brings nothing but snow.

The mascara tears fall from your face
And turn as black as a country darkness.
A black sky so serene,
Made to hold our
Thoughts, hopes, and dreams.
At least I have the stars
To give me hope.

I’m flying so high in the sky,
I hope you’ll catch me when I fall.
If my wings burn as I approach the sun,
Save me and hold me in your arms.
Please prevent me from Icarus’s fate.

This is the way life should be.
A place without war,
Without hate,
Nothing but love.

And you shine through it all,
You pierce the darkness
As never before.
An unquenchable fire in my soul.
Will you catch me when I fall?

But I know you’re gone.
Too far gone.
It’s much too late,
To salvage the love I lost.
No one to catch me.
Now I’m falling to the ground
With your tears close to my heart.

I close my eyes
And remember

How you loved me so.