Man Fails 11th Suicide Attempt

Chicago, IL

By JP Lindsey

Only minutes before the Super Bowl officially began this weekend, Chicago resident Scott Adams tried, for the eleventh time, to take his own pitiful life. Adams was watching pre-game commercials when his third wife, Anita Adams, declared that he was a “miserable and depressed sack of shit not worth giving a single solitary fuck about”. Adams, who was not prepared for this, and was, in fact, in a quite sensible mood, broke down and began sobbing immediately. According to Anita, Adams started crawling on the floor like a little bitch. “I honestly think that if I said, ‘Bark like a dog and I won’t leave you’, that he would totally do it.” The medical team at Lutheran General Hospital who treated Adams noted that this is now his eleventh suicide attempt. Doctor Saranjaleep has dressed Adams’s many wounds throughout the past several years and cannot, for the life of him, understand how Adams is such a failure at life. “He sucks so much at life that he cannot even properly, or effectively, terminate it. I just don’t understand. It is so easy.” In a pathetic interview with Adams, who was still sporting the bloodied bandages on his wrists, he explained his terribly uneventful life, spending two hours describing the sappy, typical tale of the hundreds of times that his drunken father beat him for no reason. Adams’s father died at the age of 36, when Adams was only twelve. “As I was slitting my wrists I was thinking, Dad, why did you beat me? Was it my fault? Now I’ll never know.” He also went into detail regarding his ten previous attempts at suicide, saying that, for whatever reason, he couldn’t aim the pistol correctly, take the appropriate number of pills, jump in the right direction, or throw himself in front of a semi trailer that wasn’t moving the speed of an ice cream truck. Anita commented that he copes with the problems of his childhood by “jerking off” as soon as he returns home from his job at the local library. “The douchebag [Adams] lived with his mother until he turned twenty-five. Scott isn’t going anywhere. He just should have followed simple protocol and gone up the highway and not across the street.”