The Very Intriguing Christmas

Part II of the Ross family tradition ... that's only two years old, fun to read even if you don't know my girlfriend's family simply due to the absurdity of the story

Chapter 1: Santa’s Unfortunate Backstory

April had only just unpacked her yellow and black J.K. Lees duffle bag when JP suddenly grabbed it from her and bellowed, “I bet you wish you were using this duffle bag in San Diego, California. Dontcha guuuurlfriend?”. April simply stared. JP smiled idiotically.

“No, I wish you would be with me and my family this Christmas. You deserter. You won’t even be here for Steve’s birthday.”

“I said I was sorry.” JP replied.

“No you are not.”

“Mayyyyyyyyybe.”

Over two hundred miles away, and just a little to the north of Eau Claire, Santa Claus was tracking April’s every move after installing a heat tracking device that followed the course of her purpleish red hair as it melted the snow on her return trip home. Sitting in his “home base” where no one could catch him, Santa Claus was up to his yearly sinister plan.

Dearest Ross Family, you all must wondering, Santa, our robust and jolly Santa Claus, what kind of sinister plans could he be up to? He comes to our house with reindeer and delivers fantastic presents. He just lives with all of the elves and they are so selfless. Well, although many of those things are true, poor Santa Claus, contrary to popular belief, does not have a “significant other”. How shall I say, he lacks a female counterpart. Or, as we say today, he is not married to a lovely, caring wife. A few years ago, after having several children, the former Mrs. Claus could not handle the northern Wisconsin cold anymore, declared that the marriage was a farce and that no woman in her right mind would shack up with a fat man who did nothing but make toys ‘til all hours of the morning until “The Big Day” where he stressed out even worse than a woman around that time of the month. As a result, Santie Claus would kidnap any woman that seemed to meet his fancy and keep them in an underground ice “lair” where they would have to perform the daily functions of a maternal house wife. They had to do things like scold the children, wash the laundry, prepare and serve the food, clean the house, etc etc. Things which Mrs. Ross can rightfully say are no fun at all and wish that other people could do for themselves.

Now, Santa Claus, living only twenty minutes away from Eau Claire, would dress in some raggedy clothes that Mrs. Ross would not approve of and mumble to himself on the University of Eau Claire campus in order to pretend to be the local insane man. When he saw April, he thought he must be hallucinating. Her hair was such an odd color that he knew that she must be added to his collection, not to mention she had a pretty face. However, as Santa Claus was about to make his move, another woman showed up in a van. April went to go hug the woman and then April’s face went quite cross.

“What took you so long mom?”

“I hit traffic.”

“You always hit traffic.”

“Were you aware there is a way around traffic?”

“I don’t need your badittude young lady. If you want, I can leave you here right now.”

“No mommy! … ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma ma!

“Shut up April!”

“But ma ma!”

“April …. This is gonna be a long ride.”

Mrs. Ross and April climbed into the car and got settled in. Mrs. Ross put Steely Dan into the cd player. Santa steamed in disappointment, but being one who doesn’t give up easily, he decided to follow her with Weather.com.

JP’s flight was unfortunately cancelled. He hoped he could go visit Steve on his birthday, but his dad freaked out and decided to drive the whole way. No big deal, only a thirty six hour drive, watching hours and hours worth of nothing. While April and Rachel were staying up super late for no reason, Santa was outside their house, having made all of his yearly Christmas rounds elsewhere in the world a little bit early so that he would have enough time to take April in her sleep. Finally, after about three a.m., April and Rachel fell asleep, cuddling together because of their intensely cold room that they will soon change the color of. JP, on the other hand, was probably awake staring at the white sands of Arizona.

Chapter 2:

“I’m so tired-uh.” Deanna proclaimed.

“Then go to bed-uh.” Mrs. Ross said.

Deanna sported a grumpy face to her mother’s reply.

“It’s time for bed, Deanna. If you don’t go to sleep and get rid of that attitude, Santa will take back all of the gifts he set aside for you..

“Nuh-uh. Santa can’t watch everyone when he is out on Christmas night. He has his radar at home and that’s how he knows about the rest of the year. But other than that, he doesn’t know about tonight. So there!”

“Oh really, is that what you think?” Mrs. Ross said with a smile.

“Yup … uh.” Deanna giggled.

Mr. Ross got back home from last minute Christmas shopping just as Deanna giggled. Without warning Steven, who was supposed to be sleeping, emerged from behind a chair and fired numerous Nerf balls at his father.

“Haha, touché Dad!”

“Touche what?

Steve fired two more nerf balls. “Touche!!!”

Mr. Ross responded by grabbing Steven by his ankles, lifting him upside down, walking up the stairs, and then by tossing him into the bed. Steven chuckled a bit.

“Do that again and you will have an early bed time.”

“Not on Christmas!”

“Yes on Christmas!”

“Nooooo. Not by bed time. Can I please not have it back.”

“I didn’t take anything away.”

“I want it back! Please.”

Mr. Ross simply looked confused but decided to make the best of the situation.

“Well, if you are good and don’t whine tomorrow then you’ll be able to get your bedtime back.”

“Ok, it’s a deal dad.”

“Ooooookay then.”

Mr. and Mrs. Ross tucked Deanna into bed, kissed her goodnight, and then went to their bedroom, you know, the room with all the towels and washcloths. They climbed into bed and slowly fell asleep, they too waiting for Santa to come bring them their gifts.

Chapter 3: When Santa Brought More Than Just Gifts

Santa Claus saw all the lights go off one by one in the Ross household, and he began to peer into the windows to “double check”. Santa tried to get in the doors, but Steven had locked every single one. The chimney was definitely too small, not to mention that Steve had only recently extinguished a raging fire. The only option was a little B&E, also known as breaking and entering for those who don’t live next to a not so good neighborhood, like JP does. Santa walked to the sliding glass door, took out his glass cutting kit, and cut a perfectly circle out of the glass, not making a sound. He climbed through the hole in the glass, but suddenly tripped on a bunch of miscellaneous items that Steven had put in front of the door in case robbers came to steal their Christmas presents. Santa fell towards the floor, bounced off of the couch, and crashed through the sliding door.

“ROBBER ALERT!” Steven cried.

Mr. Ross ran out with his boxers, bathrobe, and a baseball bat. Steven ran out with the nerf gun. Mrs. Ross followed Mr. Ross with a blanket. Deanna came out of her bedroom with some Hannah Montana apparel. Rachel emerged with a sour face and a Wii controller. April stayed in bed, sleeping through the whole thing. JP was still in a car over a thousand miles away, looking at mountains that never seemed to be getting any closer.

They all walked downstairs, seeing shiny black boots sticking out from behind the couch. They finally approached the red and white figure, who was clearly knocked unconscious.

“We killed Santa!” Deanna said.

“You jerks!” Steven said.

“No one killed Santa, he’s just, … very cranky that you kids are still up.” Mrs. Ross said.

“No, he looks pretty dead to me.” Rachel said dryly.

Mr. Ross checked Santa’s pulse, and ending all discussion, Santa was alive.

“Wake up Santa.”

Santa didn’t move. He only groaned.

“Come on Santa. Get up.” Deanna said.

Slowly but surely, Santa managed to get back up to his feet. He was still groggy, but he could finally make out the people who had suddenly woken him from an uncertain sleep. But where was April.

“Santa, why did you break our window?” Steve said.

“It was an accident, but I’m here for your women. How much for the little girl? How much for the girl?”

“What are you talking about Santa?” Mrs. Ross said.

Santa jumped from his seat and ran up to April/Rachel’s room. Grabbed a sleeping April and jumped out the window. Everyone heard a thud outside the window and went outside to check it out. Santa was again unconscious and April was just starting to wake up.

“What’s going on?” April said.

“Santa just tried to kidnap you.” Rachel said. “Too bad he failed.” She rolled her eyes.

Santa groaned again.

“Let’s get him into the house.” Mr. Ross said.

With a team effort, the Ross family managed to get Santa into the living room and on a couch. He woke up when Neo started licking his face. Slowly, Santa began to sob. No one knew quite why. He sobbed and he sobbed. Soon all the tissues and papertowels had been used. Santa’s beard was drenched in tears.

“If you don’t tell us what’s wrong, my mom will take an hour off of your bed time tomorrow.” Steve said

“Not my bed time.” Santa said. “You can’t do that.”

“Yes I can, I’m the mom.” Mrs. Ross replied.

So Santa explained the whole situation with his lack of a female counterpart and the Ross family felt bad for him. April suggested that he let the rest of the ladies go, because they would like to celebrate Christmas with their families, which Santa agreed to.

“You should go out to the clubs Santa. There are a lot of nice girls there. Or even Starbucks, you might find some smart ones there!” April said.

“Maybe you’re right.” Santa said. “That certainly would be better than all the kidnapping, sneaking around, and breaking and entering.”

“You think?” Rachel said sarcastically.

And Santa went home, released the girls, sent them all home via his awesome sleigh, and later went into the local tavern, where he discovered a very pretty bar maid. The Ross family, unfortunately, had to cover up the broken glass that they hoped their Grandpa would fix very soon. And everyone, lived happily ever after.